Impostor Syndrome and Other Fears

Okay so the following post is from January 24, when I was in my car without internet. And there's like, an update/followup thing at the end.

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Impostor Syndrome.

So I’m currently on my way to a scholarship competition and the past week or so, this has all been bouncing around in my head.

Do you ever feel like at some point everyone is going to realize that you’re not actually a deep thinker, or a leader, or a great Christian, or a good singer or writer or whatever?

That fear hit me really, really hard this week as I was preparing for auditions and interviews and everything.

That’s not to say that I have lied and said that I am any of these things. People have told me I am for years now, and maybe it’s just deep-rooted insecurity that made “impostor syndrome” crop up right now.

Because… I thought I was all of those things, until fairly recently, and now… I’m scared that I’m not? That all of the things that people associate with me, that I associate with me… that I’m not actually those things. And now I’m scared that if I can discover that, maybe everyone else will.

And that’s scary as heck.

(I realize I have said “that” about twelve billion times in this post. So sorry.)

To be honest, I am not scared of very much. Rollercoasters. Disappointing my parents. Gas stations after dark. Not being used for the Kingdom of God. Being trapped. Not being worthy.

Which is stupid, because no one is “worthy.” That’s the point of grace.

And I know that I myself can’t do anything on my own and that it’s really all God and that my identity shouldn’t be found in my talents or lack thereof and absolutely should not be found in people’s perception of me but…

I’m still scared.

Maybe it’s that fact that I have tried, really hard to be comfortable as who I am and be genuine and honest (although sometimes I’m really not) and so the idea that people would think that I’ve been faking everything scares me…

I really can’t put my finger on it.

There’s just a lot of pent-up anxiety and insecurity, okay.

And it all decided that right now would be the best time to show up.

Uggggh.

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So, that scholarship thing went pretty well. But more importantly, I kind of learned, over that weekend, that 

1. God knows what's up and you can trust Him. 

2. My value is not my abilities or lack thereof. 

I was actually standing in the bathroom before my audition, staring at myself in the mirror and praying that over and over. 

"Remind me where my value lies... Help me use my talents for Your glory alone." 

Just those two ideas in different wordings, the whole time of that weekend. 

And it was great. It helped, a lot. The next scholarship thing came around, and I didn't get nearly as nervous or stressed. 

Well. I didn't get nervous or stressed about the same things. 

And that's something I really want to work on this year. I struggle with pride sooo much, and I want this year to strip me of my ego. I don't want to have to randomly switch between super arrogant and super terrified, which is pretty much what I currently do. (I sincerely hope that that's all in my head and doesn't spill out into how I act around other people. Because ugh that's annoying.)

So I guess this year, one of my goals/prayers is that I am able to direct my confidence and security and value in the right place (that is, God) and not in myself and my abilities/possessions/gifts.

Now that's a rather scary prayer. 

My Heart Is Breaking

Oh God.

Terrible, horrible things have happened today.

Paris. Lebanon. Baghdad.

I'm currently sitting in a hotel closet in order to not wake up Holly and Kensi and I'm just crying and typing.

And praying.

Assuming my math is right and the news is correct -- and I pray that this number is too high -- two hundred and fifteen people were murdered tonight, between Paris, Lebanon, and Baghdad.

Two hundred and fifteen.

I'm not naive. Well, okay, maybe a little. I am, however, an optimist of the highest degree.

But this? This is... Horrific. Appalling. Sickening, disgusting, tragic.

I'm full of all this rage and fear and grief and.... And I don't know what to do.

Why must it be like this? Why can't people be nice and love each other and realize how beautiful other people can be?

This breaks my optimistic heart. This makes me question hope and sunshine and the fact that people can be good and kind and loving and heroic. This is ugly and shitty and dark and it makes me so, so, sad and helpless and furious and guilty about things like sitting in a closet doing nothing when people have just lost friends and family members and lovers and...

Sometimes this world absolutely sucks.

And I hate that.

I'm just praying that good will come out of this, I guess. That the people in Paris and Lebanon and Baghdad will find love and comfort and help and support. I pray that somehow the death count is far higher than it should be. I pray that no one is left to deal with this alone.

I pray that someone will remember to turn on a light.

Because it has been a very, very dark day.

Thoughts on the Library and Into the Wild

It is 1:08 am on Wednesday night and I'm still not asleep.

Nor am I cramming for finals or writing papers.

I love summer.

So far, summer has been rainy, quiet. I've read, swam, listened to Father John Misty and Tame Impala. I bought overalls and got in a wreck (but I'm fine and the other person is fine and the car will be fine). I've looked for jobs and eaten chocolate and had a picnic and stayed up late.

I worked at the library for four hours today (well. volunteered). I like working there. I think I would rather work at the library than a bookstore, unless it's a bookstore like Eighth Day Books or some other local/small bookstore. Chain bookstores just don't have the same... vibe. I mean, I love them. I take full advantage of Barnes and Noble. They have new books sooner than the library, their vinyl collection grows by the day, and obviously Starbucks is a perk.

But the library has a different aura to it. It's more personable. Maybe I only see it at the library because I work there, but the library is always bustling. Kids are looking for school books, adults are using the internet, teens are writing papers. It's so relaxed, but also always moving, always changing.

One of my favorite things ever is seeing what people read. It's fun seeing what books people put on hold and trying to figure out their personality. Today someone got an alt-J CD and We Were Liars (by E. Lockhart. AMAZING book) and I totally wanted to be friends with them. (Actually, that person came and picked them up and it was my small group leader from sophomore year. How crazy is that?)

Sometimes people ask me where books are or kids ask for recommendations, and it's pretty much the best thing ever. People asking you, genuinely asking you, about stuff you're passionate about is really cool. And sometimes there's really good parents who bring their kids to the library and play with them in the Children's Area and have imaginary tea parties. One time a girl and her little brother came and did homework and ate McFlurrys. It was really cute. Today a kid asked where the Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane was, and I got all excited because I totally read that book in like fourth or fifth grade. He also got the first Warriors book (you know, the one about the cats). There's one old lady who has come a couple times, and she always ends up talking to the librarians for a really long time. Plus there's usually cookies in the workroom, and I always leave with two or three or ten books, so... yeah. I like it. It's fun being somewhere every week that I love, with people I really like. I'm the youngest one on Wednesdays, and I get the feeling that teen volunteers during the school year are a rarity. It's an honor, really.


State swimming is Friday and Saturday in Topeka. I'm an alternate, which is fine by me because a) there's little chance that I'll swim, and therefore no stress, b) I still get to go and hang out and cheer for my team, and c) my name is on the state shirt.

I'm very proud about that one, to be honest.

I'm currently reading Into The Wild, by Jon Krakauer. It is exceedingly fascinating and you should definitely read it. It's abut Chris McCandless, who trekked across the U.S. (and some of Mexico) for about two years before ending up in Alaska, where he died.

I really do admire Chris. He had guts, and there's no denying he was smart. He was an idealist of the highest order, and he lived what he believed. But gooosh I don't understand why he didn't pack more supplies, why he didn't wait until it was warmer, why he let himself starve. Lots of whys.

I'm only halfway through the book, so maybe it gets explained, but somehow I doubt it.

I get what drove him. I've felt it, that stirring, that urge to pack up and vanish one day. Were Margo Roth Spiegelman a real person, she would looove Chris McCandless. There are so many connections between the two.

And Chris was scared of people, of liking people, of connections and getting hurt. So I get that.

But... who just runs off to Alaska with out thinking through what you'll need? Without realizing "Wow, it's really snowy. I will need way more food." Over and over in the book, Chris proves he isn't stupid.

So why then? Why does he have a lapse in judgement when it is most crucial?

Also, why the third person journal entries? Actually, that is probably the weirdest part. That is what makes me question his sanity. Maybe he just liked third person, but it feels... off. Uncanny. Worrisome.

Ah well. Hopefully some answers will come through by the end of the book. But I doubt it. It wouldn't be nonfiction if everything was cleared up. It has to stay a mystery, I really do like this book, and I kind of want to hitchhike across America now.

Peace out.

My Extremely Splendid Four Days Off

A Summary-
Thursday: Sleep, cleaning, audio letter to Madelyn, Pottermore, A Thousand Splendid Suns
Friday: Starbucks, rain, pumpkin patch, A Thousand Splendid Suns, the discovery of the Veggie Tales Pandora station
Saturday: Rehearsal, library, The Fault In Our Stars, Hershey's kisses, Epic
Sunday: Church, cookies, blogging, Skype, White Collar

All in all, not bad. I never got to watch the Hobbit or eat Oreos, but okay. I'm sitting on the living room floor, getting thoughts out of my brain now. It's 12:01 am, according to the iPad. So I've been sitting here for a little less than thirty minutes. Before that I read To Kill A Mockingbird from 10:30 to 11, and then I lay in bed from 11 to 11:30, trying to sleep. I don't really like not being able to sleep. I'd like to be mentally present at school tomorrow, and I'd also like to wake up early enough to be a attractive at school (or as attractive as one can be in our school uniforms. #firstworldprobs) (that was the first and probably last time I use a hashtag).

Sooo now I'll waste time on Pinterest. v_V And write bio questions for the Blonde Mafia. xD

Ttfn

Wheaaahh.

That is my exhausted dying sound.
I had today and yesterday off from school. Yesterday we cleaned the house. Today we went to the pumpkin patch. Which I should talk about because it was fun, but I'm too tired. I'm laying on the couch right now, craving Oreos and The Hobbit. And also library books. It snowed today. The snow melted right when it hit the ground, but still. I'm so tired. >_< I was reading A Thousand Splendid Suns until 1:30 last night. That is a very sad book, and I'm barely half way through it.
Good bye.