Dear Fifteen-Year-Old Me,

Oh goodness. Freshman me. Just as awkward, far more innocent, so much more judgemental and insecure. Sweet, shy, ridiculous freshman me. Here are some things you should know:

-- Learn to love the States. I know you struggle with fitting in right now, and you struggle with anger towards most of the people in this country, but they know not what they do. They don't know about the people living under the caste system. They haven't experienced the crowds of Commercial Street or the monsoon season or pain of leaving your friends in a different country. They have not met the girls orphaned or abandoned in villages. They haven't sat through traffic for two hours in order to get to youth group. They will want a 30-second description of two years of your life, and you will want to hate them for that. I promise, I promise you it gets better. Remember: But for the grace of God, you could be where they are. The problems and blessings in the States will take a lot of re-learning, but they are there. Every country is flawed, every people group is flawed, and yet there is still beauty in all of them. It will take a while to feel like you belong here, and for that I am sorry.

-- Make good girl friends. And good guy friends. Just make friends. Be kind and don't prejudge people. The kids who annoyed you to no end sophomore might be your good friends senior year. Let them grow up. Heck, let yourself grow up.

-- Accept that no one is perfect. Not you, not your friends, not your teachers, not your parents. Everyone messes up, so give grace.

-- Don't just complain about things you dislike. Work on changing it if you can, and if you can't change it then suck it up and move on.

-- Sophomore year will be basically awful, but focus on the good things. Mrs. B, your new friends, dancing in the "Marian Librarian" scene, Jahn, The Name of the Wind, Newspaper, Concert Choir... It's not all bad. You'll grow and learn a lot this year, in spite of -- or really because of  -- the fact that it's mostly horrible.

-- Try new things. Do a sport. Try art. Let yourself be bad at things for the sake of learning. You might find out you love (and kind of hate) swimming or something.

-- Be silly and goofy. Don't worry about what people think. You'll be far happier if you just do what you want. Laugh at your mistakes and awkward moments. Store up embarrassing stories, because they make great ice breakers. Just accept that you are an awkward, clumsy human who can't do phone calls properly and spills everything and is just generally awkward.

-- Within the confines of the law and your parents' wishes, do crazy, stupid things. Be careful, but don't be fearful.

-- Don't get wrapped up in your friends' boy drama. Just don't. Be there for them, absolutely. But don't get sucked into the cycle of love and heartbreak.

-- Don't get wrapped up in your own boy drama. I don't mean "Swear off boys/dating completely." I mean, don't let youself become consumed by a boy at this point. Be wise. Pray through everything. Be cautious with whom you allow your heart. Some guys suck, and others just aren't right for you. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to try, it's okay for your heart to leap and for you to giggle with happiness after your first kiss or to cry after a breakup. But know who you are in Christ and know that no boy is perfect. None can "complete" you. Only Jesus can.

-- It's okay to let your friendships change over the years. It's okay to let go of people who aren't healthy for you to be around. Surround yourself with people who bring you joy and help you become a better person.

-- Embrace the geek within you. Own the fact that you play DragonVale and ship Dramione and listen to musicals about American history and read more than you work out and can quote Doctor Who and love Benedict Cumberbatch. Geek will be cool in a couple years. Or at least cooler. Well. At least not weird.

-- Your relationships are more important than your grades. Sometimes you need to get out and chill in Kris's basement or Ellen's backyard and just talk about stuff instead of doing a Government study guide. That being said, don't just blow off your grades completely. Turn off Netflix and do your math homework. Seriously.

-- Get Spotify asap. You will love it. Listen to all sorts of music and become somewhat familar with popular songs/dances. Dance parties are bonding experiences, and a decent Charleston can get you far in life.

-- Be grateful for the opportunities you get. Because you will have some fabulous opportunities. You will meet amazing people and be a part of amazing things and go amazing places. So take a moment and be thankful for them.

-- Get off your phone/computer/etc. sometimes. It's good for your soul.

-- Make your relationship with God a priority. Be a person after God's heart. "Improve your serve." This one actually takes you a long time to learn, but work at it. Love God, love people. Sounds simple, until you have to do Chemistry homework and memorize the presidents and make notecards for a research paper and work on musical stuff. Those things will alllll fade away, Addi. Christ and people will not.

-- Don't overcommit. Say no sometimes. It's good for you. It's hard, but it's good.

-- It's okay to cry during all movies ever. And all books. Which is good, because you do. Just go with it. If you're lucky, as cute boy will take pity on you and let you cry into his shoulder. (Just kidding. That never happens. You just cry alone over Harry Potter and eat ice cream.)

-- Do not place your value in your grades, your popularity, your talents, your looks, your likes on social media, your "spiritual-ness," or basically anything outside of the fact of knowing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don't fall into a comparison trap. Place your self-esteem in the fact that you are God's child and He has created you. Other's opinions of you -- and even your opinions of yourself -- will change, but God's love will not. I cannot even explain to you how important this is.

-- Don't ask boys what they're laughing about, especially if/when you're good enough friends that they'll actually tell you. You don't want to know. Trust me. 

The Big City

Over the course of this semester, I've gotten to go to Chicago and New York City on college visits.

I thought I would like Chicago far more than New York City, going just from their reputations.

I was wrong.

I really like NYC. It's not nearly as scary or crazy as people make it sound. Now, to be fair, I spent most of my time in the Financial District, which is mostly just business people. We did go to Broadway and Times Square and Grand Central Station. There was not a single time there when I felt unsafe or out of my element. Sure, there's a lot of people, and yeah there's not much green, but it didn't seem like this big, cruel machine. Everyone we encountered was nice. That being said, New York isn't a place where people are going to strike a conversation with you in the elevator or on the subway. But I don't think that's really normal anywhere (well, maybe the South? I don't know).

New York is more European than anywhere else I've been in America. I think maybe my time in London, Paris, and Rome prepared for that. Also, there were several times that reminded me of Bangalore. Other parents visiting would be marveling at the crowds or the traffic or the dirt, and Mom and I were just like, "I didn't think it was bad at all."

This post is actually sounding more pretentious/stuck-up by the second. I don't mean to be like, "Oh, you just think New York is crazy and scary because you've never been out of the Midwest." I would probably be overwhelmed too had it not been for living in India. As it was, I felt quite at home.

I've been wondering, for a while now, if that time in India was preparing me for something else. Now I'm wondering if this school and this city is that "something else." I don't know. It's too soon to tell. But the school I visited -- the King's College -- was amazing. I fell in love with it. I like it so much more than either of the other schools I'm considering, which surprised me. I didn't expect myself to adore this tiny little private school in the heart of Manhattan. I didn't expect to want to live in a skyscraper and have to probably work at least two jobs and wear business casual every day and have to make my own food and live that far away from home.

But I do. A lot. It scares me more than any of the other schools, but I think it's a good kind of fear. It's going to be a challenge, and I want a challenge.

That all being said, nothing is decided. Lots could change in the next six months -- heck, a lot could change in the next six weeks. So don't take this as an "Addi's moving to New York!" post. No. I'm just saying that as of right now, I would very much like to go to New York.

So that's the current status of my college search.