College-ing, From the Perspective of a Total Mess of a Person

In my experience, people give a lot of advice to college students.

A lot. 

So much advice. 

Everyone has an opinion on where you should go to school, what classes you should take, how you should do student loans, what you should eat, how you should plan your life. 

SO guess what? I am going to add my voice and shout into the void.

Some realistic college advice from yours truly:

-- Buy Tide stain sticks. They are lifesavers. Buy like seven if you are anything like me. I keep one in my dresser, one in my purse, and one in my backpack. I use them almost every day. 

-- Know how much money you are taking out in student loans. Whether it's a lot or a little, know how much it is. Stay aware. Otherwise, when you find out it will haunt you and horrify you and you won't fall asleep until five in the morning because all you can think about is your impending doom. 

-- Locate 24-hour joints near you. Coffee shops, cafes, diners. You will want to know when midterms/finals roll around and you need to get out of your room at 1 am so you can study while your roommates sleep. 

-- Trader Joe's makes really freaking good single serving frozen meals. My roommates and I really like the Tikka Masala. 

-- Buy quarts of ice cream instead of pints. It's way too easy to eat straight out of the carton with a pint, and that makes it wayyyyy to easy to eat it all in one or two sittings instead of the recommended four. 

-- BUY A LAPTOP CASE. And a distinctive one, at that, so you don't get it mixed up with other ones. Also, close your laptop when walking places/going up and down stairs/waltzing around your room if you are at all accident-prone. Seriously.

-- Locate your nearest hospital. Know where it is, so when you dislocate your shoulder, you can go straight there. 

-- Uhhh I think I should say something about exercise/eating healthy, but this is not my area of expertise. Our building has a gym. I have been there twice: On the tour, and when Laura dragged me up there. I spent most of the time stretching. So... do better than me.

-- Pick up babysitting jobs if/when you can. You can make so much money, and you can meet super duper cool people and see parts of town you wouldn't otherwise. 

-- Get Spotify premium or Apple Music or some music provider of the sort. It is the best investment. 

-- If/when you have a mental breakdown and can't/don't finish a giant paper worth 20% of your grade, TELL SOMEONE. Do not do what I did, which is freak out, ignore it, curl up in a little ball, take the L, and not tell anyone until like after Christmas. Tell your parents, your studious friend, your professor, a counselor, whatever. Someone who can help you and prevent a lot of unnecessary anxiety. (It's really a toss-up between who was more horrified when they found out: My parents or Amelia.)

-- At Dunkin': Get an iced coffee with cream and caramel instead of an iced caramel latte. There's a bit of a difference in flavor, but there's an almost $2 difference in price, so WORTH IT. Avoid Starbucks unless you have a gift card. I don't take that advice in the slightest, but you should. 

-- Ask for student discounts everywhere, folks. 

-- Get nice headphones. It seems unnecessary, but they're actually the best. You have roommates! You have to study in crowded libraries!

-- The Apple protection plan doesn't cover physical damage. Do with that information what you will. 

-- Follow blogs/websites/twitter accounts that cover fun stuff to do in the area. You need to do fun stuff. 

-- On a similar note, find people who will keep your fun/work ratio balanced. Do not only surround yourself with people with the exact same study habits. I have to surround myself who will keep me focused when I need to do homework. Some of my friends need me around so they don't study and/or stress too much. Sometimes you need to hunker down and write the paper. Other times you need to step back and take a break and go to the park or watch musicals or take Buzzfeed quizzes. Very few people are that well-balanced on their own, so find yourself buddies who can help you out. 

-- Always, ALWAYS, do the extra credit.

-- Don't blog when you should be doing Politics homework. 

You Can Take This as "Addi's Moving to New York!"

Next fall, I will be attending the King's College in New York City.

(Random fun fact: I am unable to hear/see the words "New York City" without then thinking, "Pardon me, are you Aaron Burr, sir?" Perhaps I should have a post about Hamilton in the future. Hmm...)

I'm a little scared, I'm not gonna lie. I'm scared to be that far away. I'm sad that it mean that I'll probably miss a lot of my siblings' shows or games or birthdays. I'm scared that I'll lose some of the friendships I have here. (And I know I'll lose a couple... but still. I hate the idea.) I'm scared about silly things like having to remember my phone number without Holly's help or remembering directions or not being able to ask Mom to double check my papers (actually, I'll probably still email her my papers). I'm scared that I'll get lost in the bigness of the city and the people. Not physically lost, but more like... forgotten, almost? I'm not sure how to describe this. I'm not sure if I even really know what I'm saying. Maybe we'll come back to it if I figure it out.

But I'm also so very excited.

I think I will be challenged at King's, and I want that. I'm ready for something that will be hard in a good way. Not in a "This is impossible and ridiculous and pointless" way, but a "this is new and hard and good and will make me a better person/student/writer/etc" way. Does that make sense?

I'm excited for the opportunities that come with King's and New York City. Whether that be seeing shows on Broadway -- which will be rare because I'm going to be sooo broke -- or joining a new club -- they have a swing dancing club, which sounds awesome, despite my lack of skill -- or internships at publishing houses, or studying abroad -- you can go to Oxford, for one. Yes, please.

I'm excited to live in New York City. I'm excited to live in the center of culture. I'm excited to have a tiny apartment and have to figure out how to decorate it. I'm excited to hunt down record stores and vintage boutiques in a new city. I'm excited for the independence that comes with moving away (which also kind of scares me, but it's fine).

I'm excited to meet new people. Like, do you ever think about how many people there are in the world? And that they all have different stories and interests and backgrounds and the idea of meeting more people just makes me really happy and also kind of fills me with social anxiety but you know, it's fine.

I'm excited to be a part of the House of Clara Barton (who won the House Cup this year, so that's a pretty good sign). I'm really glad the House System exists. I'm glad to know that there's a group of people who will have my back and be there for me, especially at first. Six or seven of the girls already followed me on Instagram and it made me feel really welcomed and happy.

I'm excited to see how God will use me in the next year/next four years/rest of my life.

I'm just excited to see what happens next.

Heck, I'm even excited for the business casual dress code, because I'm gonna wear vintage dresses all the time. (I actually am very interested to see how people make business-casual their own. Like, how do I combine business casual and indie grunge and vintage class? Is that even possible? I'm so excited it's ridiculous.)

I think it'll be worth it. Worth the fear and sacrifice. I know God has a plan, even if my plan only goes as far as moving day. It'll be good.

Anyway, now you all know.

The Big City

Over the course of this semester, I've gotten to go to Chicago and New York City on college visits.

I thought I would like Chicago far more than New York City, going just from their reputations.

I was wrong.

I really like NYC. It's not nearly as scary or crazy as people make it sound. Now, to be fair, I spent most of my time in the Financial District, which is mostly just business people. We did go to Broadway and Times Square and Grand Central Station. There was not a single time there when I felt unsafe or out of my element. Sure, there's a lot of people, and yeah there's not much green, but it didn't seem like this big, cruel machine. Everyone we encountered was nice. That being said, New York isn't a place where people are going to strike a conversation with you in the elevator or on the subway. But I don't think that's really normal anywhere (well, maybe the South? I don't know).

New York is more European than anywhere else I've been in America. I think maybe my time in London, Paris, and Rome prepared for that. Also, there were several times that reminded me of Bangalore. Other parents visiting would be marveling at the crowds or the traffic or the dirt, and Mom and I were just like, "I didn't think it was bad at all."

This post is actually sounding more pretentious/stuck-up by the second. I don't mean to be like, "Oh, you just think New York is crazy and scary because you've never been out of the Midwest." I would probably be overwhelmed too had it not been for living in India. As it was, I felt quite at home.

I've been wondering, for a while now, if that time in India was preparing me for something else. Now I'm wondering if this school and this city is that "something else." I don't know. It's too soon to tell. But the school I visited -- the King's College -- was amazing. I fell in love with it. I like it so much more than either of the other schools I'm considering, which surprised me. I didn't expect myself to adore this tiny little private school in the heart of Manhattan. I didn't expect to want to live in a skyscraper and have to probably work at least two jobs and wear business casual every day and have to make my own food and live that far away from home.

But I do. A lot. It scares me more than any of the other schools, but I think it's a good kind of fear. It's going to be a challenge, and I want a challenge.

That all being said, nothing is decided. Lots could change in the next six months -- heck, a lot could change in the next six weeks. So don't take this as an "Addi's moving to New York!" post. No. I'm just saying that as of right now, I would very much like to go to New York.

So that's the current status of my college search. 

Impostor Syndrome and Other Fears

Okay so the following post is from January 24, when I was in my car without internet. And there's like, an update/followup thing at the end.

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Impostor Syndrome.

So I’m currently on my way to a scholarship competition and the past week or so, this has all been bouncing around in my head.

Do you ever feel like at some point everyone is going to realize that you’re not actually a deep thinker, or a leader, or a great Christian, or a good singer or writer or whatever?

That fear hit me really, really hard this week as I was preparing for auditions and interviews and everything.

That’s not to say that I have lied and said that I am any of these things. People have told me I am for years now, and maybe it’s just deep-rooted insecurity that made “impostor syndrome” crop up right now.

Because… I thought I was all of those things, until fairly recently, and now… I’m scared that I’m not? That all of the things that people associate with me, that I associate with me… that I’m not actually those things. And now I’m scared that if I can discover that, maybe everyone else will.

And that’s scary as heck.

(I realize I have said “that” about twelve billion times in this post. So sorry.)

To be honest, I am not scared of very much. Rollercoasters. Disappointing my parents. Gas stations after dark. Not being used for the Kingdom of God. Being trapped. Not being worthy.

Which is stupid, because no one is “worthy.” That’s the point of grace.

And I know that I myself can’t do anything on my own and that it’s really all God and that my identity shouldn’t be found in my talents or lack thereof and absolutely should not be found in people’s perception of me but…

I’m still scared.

Maybe it’s that fact that I have tried, really hard to be comfortable as who I am and be genuine and honest (although sometimes I’m really not) and so the idea that people would think that I’ve been faking everything scares me…

I really can’t put my finger on it.

There’s just a lot of pent-up anxiety and insecurity, okay.

And it all decided that right now would be the best time to show up.

Uggggh.

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So, that scholarship thing went pretty well. But more importantly, I kind of learned, over that weekend, that 

1. God knows what's up and you can trust Him. 

2. My value is not my abilities or lack thereof. 

I was actually standing in the bathroom before my audition, staring at myself in the mirror and praying that over and over. 

"Remind me where my value lies... Help me use my talents for Your glory alone." 

Just those two ideas in different wordings, the whole time of that weekend. 

And it was great. It helped, a lot. The next scholarship thing came around, and I didn't get nearly as nervous or stressed. 

Well. I didn't get nervous or stressed about the same things. 

And that's something I really want to work on this year. I struggle with pride sooo much, and I want this year to strip me of my ego. I don't want to have to randomly switch between super arrogant and super terrified, which is pretty much what I currently do. (I sincerely hope that that's all in my head and doesn't spill out into how I act around other people. Because ugh that's annoying.)

So I guess this year, one of my goals/prayers is that I am able to direct my confidence and security and value in the right place (that is, God) and not in myself and my abilities/possessions/gifts.

Now that's a rather scary prayer. 

Cookie Dough (A Summary of Senior Year So Far)

Hello.

Hi.

Yeah, um.

What do people talk about?

How do I have like six or seven social media platforms, at least three of which I spend hours on everyday, and yet I really don't have much to say?

That's sickening.

Ugh.

So, life these days.

College applications. Panicking about college auditions. Listening to Adele's "Hello" and Troye Sivan's Wild pretty much constantly. Wishing I was in a musical. Waiting for Lil to come (she'll be here in TWO DAYS!). Being waaay behind of where I should be on NaNoWriMo. Still being sad about James and Lily Potter's death (it's been what, thirty-four years? Is my math right?). Struggling to write music. Working at the library and checking out more books than I can read.

The usual, really.

Life is so weird lately. It's going so fast and yet so very slow. I feel like I'm in an awkward in-between place, where most of my time is spent planning and getting ready for things to come. Which I'm not good at, nor do I like. There are days when I get all panicky and scared and want to cry about college and paying for college and college auditions and everything. But there are also days when I don't even care. I'll go wherever and be fine with it and pay for it somehow. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

These viewpoints are a little at odds with each other.

I'm fine. I'll be fine. I get through the panicky days with cookie dough and fanfiction. I get through the "I'll deal with it later" days with Spotify and NaNoWriMo-ing and more cookie dough.

There's been an unhealthy amount of cookie dough this year.

Things are coming together, though. I have a top three list of colleges. I still don't know what I'm majoring in (go figure), but I'm pretty sure I'm going to minor in music. Even though it is so hard some days, I love it so very much. I know I want to write and travel and love God and love people and point them back to Him however I can. I want to go and learn and experience new things.

So really, my life plans haven't changed much. I think that's good. However vague they may still be, I think they're starting to take shape. Still not sure what that shape is, but hey, that's half the fun (and half the stress, but whatever).

Anywho. I thought I'd give you a few updates before I go write 2,000+ words before going to bed.

Please insert a slightly terrified smile here.

Later, skaters. Have a beautiful day/evening full of cookie dough and Adele. ;)