Impostor Syndrome and Other Fears

Okay so the following post is from January 24, when I was in my car without internet. And there's like, an update/followup thing at the end.

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Impostor Syndrome.

So I’m currently on my way to a scholarship competition and the past week or so, this has all been bouncing around in my head.

Do you ever feel like at some point everyone is going to realize that you’re not actually a deep thinker, or a leader, or a great Christian, or a good singer or writer or whatever?

That fear hit me really, really hard this week as I was preparing for auditions and interviews and everything.

That’s not to say that I have lied and said that I am any of these things. People have told me I am for years now, and maybe it’s just deep-rooted insecurity that made “impostor syndrome” crop up right now.

Because… I thought I was all of those things, until fairly recently, and now… I’m scared that I’m not? That all of the things that people associate with me, that I associate with me… that I’m not actually those things. And now I’m scared that if I can discover that, maybe everyone else will.

And that’s scary as heck.

(I realize I have said “that” about twelve billion times in this post. So sorry.)

To be honest, I am not scared of very much. Rollercoasters. Disappointing my parents. Gas stations after dark. Not being used for the Kingdom of God. Being trapped. Not being worthy.

Which is stupid, because no one is “worthy.” That’s the point of grace.

And I know that I myself can’t do anything on my own and that it’s really all God and that my identity shouldn’t be found in my talents or lack thereof and absolutely should not be found in people’s perception of me but…

I’m still scared.

Maybe it’s that fact that I have tried, really hard to be comfortable as who I am and be genuine and honest (although sometimes I’m really not) and so the idea that people would think that I’ve been faking everything scares me…

I really can’t put my finger on it.

There’s just a lot of pent-up anxiety and insecurity, okay.

And it all decided that right now would be the best time to show up.

Uggggh.

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So, that scholarship thing went pretty well. But more importantly, I kind of learned, over that weekend, that 

1. God knows what's up and you can trust Him. 

2. My value is not my abilities or lack thereof. 

I was actually standing in the bathroom before my audition, staring at myself in the mirror and praying that over and over. 

"Remind me where my value lies... Help me use my talents for Your glory alone." 

Just those two ideas in different wordings, the whole time of that weekend. 

And it was great. It helped, a lot. The next scholarship thing came around, and I didn't get nearly as nervous or stressed. 

Well. I didn't get nervous or stressed about the same things. 

And that's something I really want to work on this year. I struggle with pride sooo much, and I want this year to strip me of my ego. I don't want to have to randomly switch between super arrogant and super terrified, which is pretty much what I currently do. (I sincerely hope that that's all in my head and doesn't spill out into how I act around other people. Because ugh that's annoying.)

So I guess this year, one of my goals/prayers is that I am able to direct my confidence and security and value in the right place (that is, God) and not in myself and my abilities/possessions/gifts.

Now that's a rather scary prayer. 

2015

2015 was... Fast. Fun. Weird? Good. Sometimes sad and confusing.
It was so full of... new-ness.
It was losing some friends to distance and being reunited with others.
It was road trips and laughter.
It was poetry nights at Abilene's and picnics in Kris' basement.
It was old vinyls and pretty dresses.
It was new friends and new experiences.
It was swim meets and singing and some of the best musicals I've ever done.
It was the library and Spotify.
It was fangirling over Troye Sivan in the Fine Arts office, rapping the entirety of "Migraine," listening to Bon Iver at night with Holly and Kensi, freaking out when "Jenny" came on at prom.
It was ridiculous costumes and spectacle points and endless coffee shops.
It was the party van and singing Les Miserables with Abby at the top of our lungs.
It was fanfiction and DragonVale, Star Wars and Man of La Mancha, C.S. Lewis and Sarah J. Maas. It was singing on buses and singing in the car.
It was second-hand weed and friends who are more like family and watching Inception four times in the same weekend.
It was shouting over key signatures and being overly competitive about naming rhythms.
It was swing-dancing and bonfires.
It was a whole lot of me realizing I don't understand people or the world or why things happen as they do.
It made me rethink what I want and who I am and all sorts of deep stuff.
It was... good.

New Year, New Adventures

2014 was mostly epic. Some parts were rough, some were boring, some were crazy fun. At the end of the year...

I'm falling in love with all things vintage.
I'm realizing how cool companies like Pemberly Digital and Starkid are and wondering how I can do something like that.
I drink black coffee now.
My love for mysteries is being reawakened.
I had a blast in the Sound of Music.
I'm in an actual relationship with a boy.
I helped host a poetry slam.
I'm in Madrigals.
I've fallen in love with The Dead Poets Society.
I got my driver's license.
I passed a semester of Pre-Calculus.
I went to the top of Pike's Peak.
I designed my own pages for the Knight Writer.
I got a dog.
I started a YouTube channel with Holly and Lilli.
I've become fascinated by Psychology.
I road tripped to Michigan with Grandma and Grandpa and Crey and Lil and Holly and Kensi.
I watched my friends go to college.
I met some of the epicest people.


2014 was just incredibly fast. I think this year will be ever faster, and also more fun. So we'll see how this goes.

Here's to new adventures.

Peace out.

Oh, I Almost Forgot...

 Meet Oakley Scout, our golden retriever puppy. He is six weeks old and the cutest puppy alive. I find it hilarious that he's a boy and named after two girls (Annie Oakley and Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird). He likes sleeping, exploring, watching Sherlock (I kid you not), and chewing on my toes (it's really weird, actually). He's precious and a little clumsy. Today he tried to dig under the fence, which was only somewhat successful and completely adorable. 

Homecoming.

So homecoming was like... two weeks ago? I think so.
Anywho.
Here's some of the pictures I found. :D

 Me and the lovely Emmalie. 

 I looooved the gloves. Grandma got them for me, and I got so many compliments on them. Thanks, grandma. :D

Our attempt to look glamorous. Not sure how well it worked...

Us and Mrs. B. We loooove her so much. Greatest teacher. We'll miss her next year. :(

:D 

 We kinda looked like Christmas... oh, well. We were a hawt Christmas. ;)

This is my favorite picture. Dat photobomb. xD

Snow Day!!!

Oh, and here's my "Geek Day" outfit, for Holiday Day of Spirit Week. 

I ended up wearing a different shirt, so I didn't have conflicting superheroes. 

The Superman shirt is Mac's. Yes, Mac my nine year old brother.

I made the skirt this weekend, and I'm quite proud of it. 

This Has Been the Most Stressful Week of the School Year.

I swear it has.

Next week should be, with stuff every night after school and last minute homecoming business to take care of, but it's honestly too fun to be stressful.

This week, on the other hand, sucks.

Teachers are cramming in as much homework and as many tests as possible. Sleep is a joke. Girls who haven't been asked are sorely feeling it now. [Not me, mind you. I'm so glad I didn't get asked, especially after certain drama in the past couple days.] Math is killer hard right now. Newspapers have to be printed, the court must be voted on, shoes must be bought, the Open House must be taken care of, skits have to be rehearsed.

On top of all that, CYT started back up again this week. Auditions are Friday, and all three of the littles are auditioning.

I am not.

I was going to, until about two weeks ago, when I realized "I can't take anymore on." So I told Mom and she was like "Are you sure?" and I was like "Yeah. Maybe I'll get a job." and she was like "Okay...."

And then CYT classes started Tuesday [which I didn't go to, I was at the Open House] and Mom texts me during school "You should audition."
Me: Why?
Her: Because then the whole family will be involved.
Me: I don't know...
Her: I'll sign you up and you can cancel.
Me: Okay....

So she signed me up.

Last night we were talking about it and I tried to pull out an audition song and I kinda just fell apart.

We decided I couldn't add something else to my already sleep-deprived life. >_>

Despite being way, way, way crazier, I am of the opinion that second semester is way more fun than first semester. Because your friendships are stronger, you're more involved in things, and you're less mad about new rules.

And Spirit Week. :DD 

Time Flies

Seriously, time goes faster every year.
So, highlights of the year:
-Fiddler on the Roof
-Homecoming
-Movie Theater
-Started sophomore year
-CYT camp
-Joel and Madelyn
-Books
-HSM
-Doctor Who obsession
-Apologetics
-Library volunteering
-I dyed my hair
-Laser tag

Not bad, I think. So here's some goals for 2014.
I don't have any real resolutions. Just little bucket list things that I can get done this year.

Bucket List things that I can get done this year. :)